The Invisible Grief of Estrangement
Grieving the Living — Blog Series, Part 2 | Taylor Nance, LMFT | Taylor Nance, LMFT
What happens when the person you’re grieving is still alive?
For many adult children navigating parental estrangement, this question captures an impossible tension. The tension lies in missing someone you can’t safely be close to, loving someone who continues to cause pain, or longing for a relationship that never became what you hoped it would be.
This kind of loss rarely has rituals, condolences from peers and loved ones, or greater societal recognition. It’s grief that hides in plain sight.
Visible vs. Invisible Grief
Some forms of grief are easily recognized and understood. When someone loses a loved one, experiences a natural disaster, or faces another clear tragedy, people know what to say. Society understands that these events bring pain. This is visible grief, the kind that others can see, name, and make space for.
But invisible grief often goes unnoticed. It includes losses that society doesn’t fully recognize as grief: the end of a friendship, missing a long-awaited promotion, the loss of health, or the quiet heartbreak of infertility. These experiences don’t always receive compassion or validation, but they carry real pain.
Parental estrangement is one of the deepest forms of invisible grief. The parent is still alive, the relationship technically still exists, and yet, the loss is profound. You may find yourself mourning what was, what could have been, and what will likely never be — all without the social acknowledgment that you’re grieving at all.
How Society’s Silence Deepens the Pain
Because estrangement doesn’t fit society’s familiar picture of grief, those experiencing it often feel isolated or even judged. The silence around it can make people question their own feelings:
“If I chose distance, why does it still hurt so much?”
“If my parent is alive, do I really have the right to grieve?”
Without validation, grief can turn inward, morphing into guilt, shame, or self-blame. Many people begin to wonder if they are personally responsible for the loss. They may begin to wonder if maintaining the relationship was simply a matter of trying harder or forgiving more.
But the reality is that estrangement is rarely about a lack of effort or love. It’s about recognizing that closeness isn’t always safe and healthy. Honoring the weight of that truth is a necessary and normal grief process on it’s own.
Naming and Honoring This Grief
Healing begins with acknowledgment. Name your grief - call it what it is. This simple act can bring immense relief.
The grief of parental estrangement is not something to “get over.” It’s an ongoing, evolving process. The loss may resurface in waves: during holidays, birthdays, major life events, or even when you hear a song on the radio. Allowing that to be true, without judgment, is an act of compassion toward yourself.
When we name our grief, we make room for it. When we share it, we remind others that they’re not alone.
You Don’t Have to Hold It Alone
At Dwell Therapy Collective, we hold space for the many forms of grief that are hard to name — including the ache of parental estrangement. Our upcoming support group for adult children navigating estrangement, beginning this January, offers a place to share your story, connect with others who understand, and begin to find peace within the complexity of love and loss.
Your grief is real. Your pain is valid. And you deserve to have it witnessed.
