Why Reconciliation Isn’t Always the Goal
Grieving the Living — Blog Series, Part 3 | Taylor Nance, LMFT
When we talk about healing from family estrangement, there’s often an unspoken assumption that reconciliation should be the ultimate goal. Messages about forgiveness and “letting go” are everywhere, and while reconciliation can be meaningful for some, it’s not always the healthiest, or safest, path for everyone.
No one chooses estrangement lightly. It’s rarely a simple or impulsive decision. For many, estrangement becomes the only viable option after years of navigating painful, confusing, or harmful dynamics with a caregiver or loved one. Sometimes, the relationship itself creates impossible circumstances, situations where staying connected means sacrificing one’s emotional safety, self-worth, or mental health.
In a perfect world, we’d all be able to reconcile with the people we love. We’d communicate clearly, repair the past, and find mutual understanding. But in reality, healing doesn’t always require reconnection. Sometimes, the most loving and necessary choice is to create space.
Boundaries are a key part of this process. Contrary to how they’re often portrayed, boundaries aren’t about building walls or cutting people out of our lives, they’re about creating the conditions under which relationships can survive and thrive. When those conditions aren’t respected, distance can become the only way to maintain integrity and self-respect. In many cases, complete estrangement is the last resort after many attempts to stay in relationship safely.
Estrangement as Self-Protection
Choosing estrangement can feel like failure, especially in a culture that idealizes family unity and unconditional forgiveness. It can stir up guilt, grief, and self-doubt. But the truth is, estrangement isn’t always an act of rejection, sometimes it’s an act of self-protection and self-care.
It takes immense courage to step away from patterns that cause harm, even when doing so goes against every message you’ve been taught about loyalty or love. Creating that distance is often what allows genuine healing to begin. It gives space for your nervous system to rest, for your identity to rebuild, and for your sense of safety to return.
Over time, that same self-protective act can open the door to healthier forms of connection, whether that’s within yourself, in new relationships, or even (if circumstances truly change) with those from whom you’ve become estranged.
Reconciliation, if it ever happens, is something that must grow from safety, mutual respect, and accountability, not from pressure or guilt. Healing begins not when we return to old dynamics, but when we honor our boundaries and trust that protecting our peace is a form of love too.
