When Love and Distance Coexist: Understanding Parental Estrangement
Grieving the Living — Blog Series, Part 1 | Taylor Nance, LMFT | Taylor Nance, LMFT
For many adult children, stepping back from a parent isn’t a decision made lightly. It often comes after years—sometimes decades—of trying to make things work, hoping things will change, or minimizing one’s own pain for the sake of peace. Yet when the breaking point comes, the outside world rarely understands.
Estrangement is deeply misunderstood, and those who make this choice often carry the weight of that misunderstanding in silence.
Common Misconceptions About Adult Children Who Step Back
Society tends to hold strong opinions about family, especially about what it should look like. When someone steps away from a parent, they’re often labeled as:
Selfish — for protecting themselves.
Ungrateful — for refusing to tolerate harmful patterns.
Lacking perspective — as if they’ve simply forgotten that “no one’s perfect.”
Disrespectful or disloyal — for breaking an unspoken rule that family must stay together, no matter what.
The problem — when, in reality, they may be the one trying to stop a cycle of harm.
These assumptions overlook the complexity of what leads someone to create distance. Most adult children who choose estrangement do so after exhausting every effort to stay connected. They often still long for closeness and carry love for the very people they feel they must step away from.
Why Estrangement Can Be Both Painful and Necessary
Estrangement isn’t born out of apathy; it’s often an act of survival. When expectations go unmet, boundaries are repeatedly crossed, or trauma remains unacknowledged, the relationship can become a source of ongoing harm. Creating distance can sometimes be the only way to begin healing.
And yet, the love rarely disappears. Most people who step back still hold a deep desire for a healthy, close family. They wish things could have been different. They carry love and hope alongside grief and disappointment.
This coexistence of love and distance can be one of the most painful parts of estrangement because those who are estranged desire connection and safety at the same time, but they are often not able to have both.
The Mixed Emotions That Accompany Estrangement
The emotional landscape of estrangement is rarely simple. Many people describe feeling:
Grief for the relationship they hoped for.
Relief that they no longer have to brace for pain.
Confusion about whether they made the right choice.
Shame for not fitting the cultural narrative of “family above all.”
Loneliness from feeling misunderstood or cut off from others who can relate.
This combination can leave people feeling like they don’t belong anywhere. It’s common to wonder, “Where do I fit if I don’t fit in my family?”
But the truth is: this experience is more common than most realize. You are not broken for setting boundaries that protect your well-being. You are not unloving for choosing distance. And you are not alone in grieving a relationship that others may not understand.
A Space for Understanding and Healing
At Dwell Therapy Collective, we recognize the quiet, complicated grief that comes with estrangement. This blog series, Grieving the Living, will explore the emotional realities of losing connection with family while they’re still living — and how healing, meaning, and community can grow even in that loss.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to follow along in the coming weeks and, if you feel ready, to join our upcoming support group for adult children navigating estrangement beginning this January.
You deserve a space where your story is understood and your grief is honored.
